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| first, chubby gay, password, film making, blacks on blondes., le presse, gai, historie, fatty acid synthesis , biotechnology, queers, fat sex pics, x rated, natural bush, jenna movies, free fat girl pic, ass plumpers , brunette girls., www plumpers , fiction, hardcore plumpers return , mature women., | This you could adjust to... So, that is why no one ever hit on her alone or at night. They had all heard stories that mancheckplusvideo she was really a vampire, mancheckplusvideo and they never wanted to know for real. But, they knew something was strange when they found the drained corpse of the man--in his neck were two puncture holes, and a piece of Elena's hair... I didn't see many spelling errors (none that I can think of), so I think the only stuff I'd suggest you try to work on are the paragraphs (or lack mancheckplusvideo thereof), and the run-on-ness. I really did like your story, though, and good luck in the contest! -Meg (reply?) TheMoodchangingPoet on Jan 18, 3:03 p.m. Nobody is perfect but God. 332 critiques, 19 poems. said:Verdict: Well done!This |
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| I'll use film making your story for example. When the man jumps out and speaks to Elena, that would be the point when you start a new paragraph: One night in 1852 in Transylvania (The land of vampires) a black haired, brown eyed lady named Elena Gonzalez was walking film making down an alleyway...It film making was really strange because it was pouring down rain and yet miraculously she was dry. She stopped when a chubby man in the alley with brown hair and green eyes jumped in front of her and said "Hey sexy lady...wanna ride my stallion?" as he pushed his hips back and forth in a frenzy sexual motion. You also have a few run-on sentences that could very easily be repaired. Here's an example, from the last line: So that is why no one ever hit on her alone or at night, they had all heard stories that she was really a vampire and they never wanted to know for real...but they knew something was strange when they all found the drained corpse of the man and in his neck were two puncture holes and a piece of Elena's hair... |
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