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Good luck! anon I have a sibling with NPD, and I can tell you that stranger ''feeding their needs'' or trying to ''appease'' them to maintain the peace has the same long term effect that Chamberlain's stranger attempt to appease Hitler had. In other words, it's a disaster! You must set clear limits. You don't need to be abusive, but you must make it clear that abuse will not be tolerated. This is also a very important example to set for your children. If you are loving and supportive when your spouse is abusive, it sets your children up to repeat stranger the pattern as adults. Not a good idea! You can work out the best way to set limits with your counselor (alone if necessary). But please, please do not get trapped in the cycle of appeasement! Been there, done that too I have first-hand experience with a husband with NPD. We were in couple's counseling for 8 years and he was in an anger management group for 5 of those years.
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