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I’d use my oboe. Everybody wants to have sex with musicians. I’m telling you, you should huge dildo have seen some of those nuns in Grandma’s hospital room when Grandpa picked up his ukulele. I seduced Raj with my oboe, playing him Beach Boys songs. This was before he grew his hair to his shoulders, and I made him dye it blond, which is amazing for a guy from Bombay. He looks sort of like Jesus, if Jesus huge dildo wore puka beads and called everyone dude. He, Raj not Jesus, was waiting for me when it was huge dildo all over, giant white teeth shining against his beautiful brown skin. In one hand he held a box of lemon Girl Scout cookies, in the other a silver balloon that said “Happy Birthday Hilda.” It was the only one they had in the store, he told me, since my name isn’t Hilda, it’s Amy. I’m named after my mother’s best friend who was one of the original Rockettes.
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