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| messageboards, manga, vintage, the night my mother met bruce lee, support, opinion, hot drunk girls, manhattan, tuesdays with morrie, obituaries, transcripts, salonmagazine, steppenwolf, cock, tranny, incest sex stories, marcperkel, man, travel narrative, stars, masturbate, manchester, voyeur, | I'd masturbate to thoughts of getting mowed down by a machine gun, or the devil popping up out of the tub drain to rip out my cervix. I'd feared, loved, hated and needed my sexual mother, right up until the day I found out I could take her in a fight. From then on, all of my sexual emotions were replaced by one big, burning scorn. I'd turn my back on her mid-sentence; I stayed out all night. I flaunted my sexual bralessness, bruises, drug use, the dark circles under my eyes. I did what I knew would hurt her most. And yet I missed her, missed the magical everythingness between us. I wanted to replicate it, and I did. The ketchup incident, part two I went out to eat with my mom shortly before her cancer diagnosis. |
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| My skinny arms were like windmill blades, driving her from my room. I wish I could support tell that stranger from the diner how different that was from before, when I couldn't even imagine driving her back: support from my room, from my body, from my (for lack of a better word) soul. I would say to him: If you could have seen her face! In some ways, that act — hitting my mother back — made life harder. It destroyed the careful balance I was, with great effort, able to maintain. But it made support life begin to be my own. She never touched me again. Down on the scene As soon as I was able, I was having sex in cars, in parks, up against walls. I found SM. I'd been looking for it for a long time. I had a high tolerance for pain and a low tolerance for anyone touching me gently. I always wanted more, and rough felt closer to more. While other little girls were — I guess — fantasizing about a handsome prince, I was forever getting kidnapped and bludgeoned to death by someone who had to take my life because he loved me so much. |
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