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In my recovery I was just starting to learn how to be myself and how to be with people who were doing the same thing. I wasn't ready to suffer that kind of loss. When I got sober and started meeting people who were HIV-positive, I started having feelings like, "Oh, my God, why am I negative? What did he do that I didn't do? What did I do that he didn't do? I can't count how many voyeur sex men I've slept voyeur sex with. Why am voyeur sex I negative?" A lot of people assume that I'm positive. Someone I befriended had seen me at the Fenway Community Health Center. I was there for counseling rather than HIV-related treatment. At a recovery meeting, he came up to me and said, "Matthew, my name is David. You know, they have recovery groups for people who have just found out they are HIV-positive." I had to look at him and say, "I'm negative."
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