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"I've been writing about the importance of penis size, Mom," I said. Honest but not blunt. But I felt myself squirm in my seat and go a little hot in the face. "Or, non-importance, as the case may be. So, do you puke think Lauren Bacall deserves an Oscar this year?" "Penis size IS important," my mother said. She was still fiddling around with her dials. "Don't you think it puke is? puke Any woman that says that it isn't is lying," she continued, and not particularly quietly either. "Mom, could you keep your voice down?" "Why? Does it embarrass you?" "Ssshh. For God's sake, at least take off your headphones," I hissed. "No, of course it doesn't. You and I can talk about anything. How is tax time going to be for you this year, by the way?" "In fact, I think penis size is VERY important. I think it directly affects the way a man treats a woman, how big or small he is. You and I have never talked about this, have we?"
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