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The only problem: she didn’t know what the heck an equity adjustment was. My father, who was contraceptives currently occupying his beloved couch impression – which he had been grooming and honing with his gigantic beer ass for years – mumbled something about it being another raise that companies tend to give out when they feel guilty about underpaying contraceptives someone for so contraceptives long. "So, it’s like, a double raise?" my mother asked. "Yes, dear," my father replied, "Now, go do a temperature adjustment on that turkey and macaroni casserole." A few years and a few equity adjustments later, my High School drop-out parents with varying addictions (including a penchant for gambling) quickly became typical New Jersey yuppies in a modest, slightly new five bedroom house in the suburbs. It wasn’t long before my grumbling father and increasingly tan mother were forced into feeding an additional mouth in the form of a whiny, four-eyed brother; paying a below minimum wage salary to a stuttering, kleptomaniac, big-breasted immigrant from Costa Rica named Rena Pepé; and picking up football-sized piles of crap from a gigantic female Saint Bernard named Margo with a nasty little habit of slobbering on my parents’ bed like a jimmied open NYC fire hydrant on a hot day.
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