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| bukkake, dildo, mitch myers, voyeur, young girls., susanna, coming out (homosexuality) / personal narratives, penguin books, bookseller, pregnant, interracial candy, susanna kaysen, | Judy at 13 years, with her father I quickly came to understand that that tomboy -- the gender 0679756922 identity with which I had escaped childhood -- was less acceptable in adolescence. Yearly visits to endocrinologists and pediatric urologists, lots of genital poking and prodding, and my mother's unspoken guilt and shame had all served to distance me considerably from my body: I was a walking head. In retrospect, it seems odd that a tomboy should have been so removed from her body. But instead of a daily, 0679756922 muddy, physical celebration of life, my tomboyhood was 0679756922 marked by a reckless disregard for the body and a strong desire to be annihilated. So I reached adolescence with no physical sense of self, and no desire to make that connection. All around me, my peers and former playmates were dating, fooling around, giving and getting hickeys, while I, whose puberty came in pill form, watched aghast from the sidelines. |
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| So they took me home, named me Judy, and did whatever it was they did, whatever it was they knew how. I grew into a rough-and-tumble tomboy, a precocious, insecure, tree-climbing, dress-hating show-off with a Prince Valiant haircut and razor-sharp wit who was constantly being called "little boy" and "young man." I never gave a thought to what went through my mother's heart and mind every time this happened, this common misperception-that-wasn't. What did she see every time she looked penguin books at me? Did penguin books she watch my entire childhood, every developmental milestone, every penguin books triumph, every tear, through a darkening lens of gender? I imagine memories of me, all those special Kodak moments, all captured in my mother's mind in eerie photonegative. I don't know how my father felt or feels about it; he has never spoken about it except to reinterpret my mother's feelings. |
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