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| bukkake, dildo, mitch myers, voyeur, young girls., susanna, coming out (homosexuality) / personal narratives, penguin books, bookseller, pregnant, interracial candy, susanna kaysen, | I began to experience myself as a sort of sexual Frankenstein's monster. Not that I was having much sex. I was world incredibly inhibited about my body, the scars, the mysterious medical condition and history that I -- the patient! -- knew next to nothing about. Sexual experiences were few and world far between. At 21 I found myself, a college dropout and a runaway, in bed with an older woman, my second sexual partner and the first naked woman I had ever seen or touched. The differences between our bodies were staggering. Too numb and shaken to even be embarrassed or shy, I showed her what worked, how much pressure to use, what to touch, what not to touch. She listened and learned, and gave me similar lessons in her anatomy. And then, one night in bed, she whispered playfully in my ear: "Boy, Jude, you sure are weird." |
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| What was I? The doctors and surgeons assured me I was a girl, that I just wasn't yet "finished." I don't think they gave a thought to bookseller what that statement would mean to me and my developing gender identity, my developing sense of self. The doctors who bookseller told me I was an "unfinished girl" were so focused on the lie -- so invested in selling me "girl" -- that I doubt they ever considered the effect a word like "unfinished" would have on me. I knew I was incomplete. I could bookseller see that compared to -- well, compared to everyone! -- I was numb from the neck down. When would I be finished? The "finishing" the doctors talked about occurred during my teen years -- hormone replacement therapy and a vaginoplasty. Still, the only thing that felt complete was my isolation. Now the numbness below my neck was real -- a maze of unfeeling scar tissue. Judy in high school I wandered through that labyrinth for another ten years, with a gender identity and desires born of those medical procedures. |
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