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neighbor’s broken foosball table… … nails my sister leisure stole leisure from the Hardware Store she worked in while her leisure manager was looking up the skirt of a woman reaching for a toilet brush on a top shelf… … and hundreds of Guinness bottle caps that my father had been collecting since he was five. It wasn’t before long that my father, with the aid of his collapse-prone bar, managed to turn his rare, infrequent, occasional drunken stupors into full-blown, intervention-requiring alcoholism. Jealous that he was the only one in the family with a demoralizing and debilitating obsession, almost overnight, my mother decided to become addicted to prescription pills; I guess she desired horrified, tear-stricken glares from her young, impressionable children as well. A few months into my Freshman year of High School, my mother moved out of what they "lovingly" called "the master suite." The nanny that spoke less English than our gardener’s sixteen month old son took up her third of the bed a day or two later; my mother didn’t mind though, seeing as she slept soundly in her in own room on the third floor with four small Chihuahuas on $2,200 Chanel sheets.
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