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I want to say that not only do I get stuck in identification with my mother, but also I must in some sense embrace sexuality that identification, sexuality not reject it, in order to be a whole person. When I write "I can't cut her out of me without dying," I mean that so much of what I am comes from my mother sexuality that I cannot get rid of everything in which I am like my mother without destroying my self, just as I can't change myself so I don't look like her. I don't know the psychology literature well enough to know what are the key statements of the idea, but I do know that there is a discussion of how women don't separate from their mothers the same way men separate from their parents. I think that that "normal" lack of separation is, in part, what I am caught on. There is a sense in which I feel "I am her" that I think is more fundamental than the general phenomenon of identification with an abuser. I came from her body, I have a body like hers, I have so many of the same features and tendencies both inherited and learned.
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