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I sought the latex sexual abuse rather than trying to avoid it because it was the only way I knew to get my mother to meet my latex need to be held and loved and also because becoming one with her was a powerful high. I don't know whether to describe it as being able to go back into the womb, or whether to describe it as a feeling of power, because if I was her I was big and powerful instead of latex being the small scared child I left behind. For my mother, I think there was a kind of identification going on as well. Perhaps it wasn't me that my mother was trying to hold, but herself as a child. I was reading a book that includes a philosophical discussion of gay sex (The Elusive Embrace: Desire and the Riddle of Identity, by Daniel Mendelsohn), and I had a flash of recognition when I got to a part where the author talks about falling through the partner back into the self.
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