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As I became a teenager, I found some safe ways to be different, but sexual behavior I never risked rebellion. Interestingly, my mother picked up one of the interests I developed as a teenager, and it led her to a rewarding job. Somehow I made a good and separate life, sexual behavior but I still feel sexual behavior not myself, that much of what I like and dislike are my mother's opinions (as they were in my childhood--she has changed some of them since and I have stayed with what I grew up with). I don't spend a lot of time with my mother or talk to her often--at this point it is her-in-me I am bound to, not the real outside person. When I write that I cannot cut her out without dying, I am, in part, expressing the dilemma of the child abused by an adult on whom she is dependent--the child could not reject the abuser because the child cannot survive without that person (for more on this read Jennifer J.
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