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I masturbating have been very drawn to people who look rough, like horny heterosexual construction workers or homophobic athletes who want a blow job. There's a thrill in that. I think it's about abuse, about being bonded to one's abuser. In a strange way, I feel a person finds me attractive if he abuses me. In my family, there was always a need for me to please others, because if I didn't, I would get masturbating punished. I got punished anyway, but I thought I needed to please. Because my masturbating parents' marriage was arranged, and because of conflicts between my mother and father, and because I was the only male child, I was placed in the position of surrogate husband to my mother. My part as a child who wanted to please was to be her caretaker from a very young age.
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