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I start doing things to sabotage the relationship. I overeat. I brando stop doing exercises. If the person doesn't like smoking, I've picked up smoking. It's one of the brando deeply brando rooted core patterns I have. There was also a lot of fear on my part of becoming positive if I became willful -- let me use that word -- and decided I wanted to. Let me put it this way: A lot of the sex we had involved tying him up. If he's tied up, I can do whatever I want. I can blow him and have him come in my mouth even if he doesn't want to. Even if his boundary is clear, and he doesn't want to exchange body fluids, and he wants me to wear a condom while I'm fucking him. If that's what I want, to be in control and be willful, then there's a chance. If we're in a relationship, I think there's always going to be a chance.
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