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I feel attractive enough to give it a try, but low self-esteem undermines that confidence. That little bit of confidence is like a bud. Before it can flower, I nip it. I start believing I'm not good enough, or the other person doesn't really like me. I start doing things to sabotage the relationship. I overeat. I stop doing exercises. If the person doesn't like smoking, I've picked up smoking. It's one of the deeply rooted core farm animal and girl sex patterns I farm animal and girl sex have. There was also a lot of fear on my part of becoming positive if I became willful -- let me use that word -- and decided I wanted to. Let me put it this way: A lot of the sex we had involved tying him up. If he's tied up, I can do whatever I want. I can blow him and have him come in my mouth even if he doesn't want to. Even if his boundary is clear, and he doesn't want to exchange body fluids, and he wants me to wear a condom while I'm fucking him.
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